Alas....It's time to talk about Infertility

Keeping my readers happy is a good thing...I know I don't have a million readers because I'm not a super cute crafty "Pinteresty" type blog, this is just a blog about me and my family and our happenings.  Nonetheless (p.s. what a great word!) I still like writing things, knowing that people may or may not read them or even care.  It's kind of like giving a talk in church, you want it to be good and you don't want to sound stupid, but you know that moment where you are standing up there and you hear chatter and kids screaming and you think to yourself, "Is anyone even listening to me?".  Yeah, that's sometimes how blogging is, but eh, what the heck, if no one listens or reads atleast I know my mom does. (and Kristen and Lindsay).
So I've been debating how to go about talking about a certain subject near to my heart and my life. 
I guess the only way is to say it: Infertility. 
There I said it to the world!  Now I kind of want to cry, typing that made my eyes well up with water.  I will resist, I can hold the tears back.  Woo, I did it.  It's really hard to blog with a head ache and burning eyeballs from crying eyes and contacts.  Okay, so I can't go back and proofread this or I will definitely cry.  So if there are grammar and spelling errors, blame it on the emotions.
I remember a few years ago when I found out a close friend of mine was trying to have a baby and she wasn't having any luck.  I remember thinking, "Man this girl is SO amazing and would be the best mom in the whole world, why can't she be blessed with children!".  I remember kneeling and pleading in prayer for this friend to become pregnant.  It made my heart ache so bad for her. (p.s. she did get pregnant and has a beautiful little girl!! yay!)
 (Alright, you don't know this, because time does not exist in writing, but I have to take a cry break...the tears shot out and now my head hurts...be right back). Okay I'm back.  I'm going to attempt to resume where I left off, with burning eyeballs too.

So I began my journey with this terrible disease that is sweeping the nation years ago (not for myself, but for others and then eventually for myself).  I began to think and wonder and worry and care about this terrible epidemic.  The "Why's" started rolling in.  My heart and mind could not understand why so many women could get pregnant and so many other's could not.  I am not one though to question God or His will so the Why's didn't last long.  I just prayed, very hard and fervently for those I cared for who had the righteous desire of becoming parents.  I was thrilled to find out that my one friend was expecting and for her it was just a hormone deficiency in her body that was easily fixed.
I wish it was that easy for all these other women.  Some women have completely unexplained infertility and others have very definite reasons why they cannot conceive.  The most difficult part about this all is the righteous desires they have to bring a miracle of a baby into this world and to be their parent and to love and care for them, yet they are not given that opportunity.

My personal journey began only a year and a half ago.  I am not an expert, I have not suffered from this disease for years and years like some people have.  I have come to learn some very important things: Infertility comes in stages.  These are Lex's stages of Infertility...nothing proven or scientific, just lived and learned.

• I think the first stage is Desire.  You are so excited and thrilled to start trying to have a baby and at the hope and expectation of getting a positive pregnancy test.  It is fantastic and exhilerating. You may or may not be charting ovulation, perhaps you are just excited to finally not have to take a birth control pill and not worry about getting pregnant, rather, you aren't worried about anything. If you get pregnant you get pregnant.  It's righteous and its the first step for any "trying" couple. This stage for me lasted about 4 months.  I knew after coming off birth control I would probably not have tons of luck getting pregnant right away, so I didn't get my hopes up the first little while.  But when I skipped a period after only 3 months...the thrill was almost unbearable!  I was planning when 9 months from that date was and how to tell my family, it was so exciting.
• The second stage is Disappointment.  That moment when you skip your period and anxiously wait the two minutes for the pregnancy test to show a positive and it is negative.  Then you try another and another and they are all negative, but you skipped your period, so you go to the doctor and pay for them to poke you and draw your blood to confirm that those darn pregnancy tests are wrong ( oh how I wish they were wrong) and they call and say, you are not pregnant.  That is sincere disappointment. I still remember the very moment when I got the phone call.  Your heart sinks and it is the first of many sinking moments. This stage lasts for awhile and then kind of just mixes into the next stage.
• The next stage might be Anger.  I hate to say it, but it is an awful stage and when I made it past that stage I felt like a new woman, one who could conquer anything, but boy oh boy this stage does a number on you.  You question life, your purpose, if you are meant to be a mother, if you are good enough, if you are being punished.  Then comes the anger towards others who are pregnant.  It's a terrible disease I tell you and this part is the hardest.  Just when you want to be the MOST happiest for some of your good friends, that is the moment where you would rather just crawl in a hole and not hear about anyone or anything having babies.  I think if I found out our neighbor's dog was pregnant during this phase I would have lost it.  Because your mind can ONLY focus in on babies.  Literally, everyone and their dogs are having babies and you are not.  It is extremely difficult and I think this phase might show it's ugly face randomly throughout the journey, but it passes.  I promise it passes.  Perhaps during this time period, it is best to not look at facebook or anyone's blogs or receive any text messages, if that is even possible.  :)  If not, hang in there, this too shall pass.

I added a couple scriptures here because honestly sometimes reading them was all I personally could do to keep going:

  "My son(daughter), peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." (D&C 121:7-8)

"And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son (daughter), that all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good." (D&C 122:7)

So when it feels like the world is crashing down on you, know that 1) you are not alone, there are thousands of women going through this and often times they are silently enduring it, so you may feel very alone, but you are not and 2) you shall triumph and it shall be for thy good!  That's perhaps the hardest thing to imagine, but it is amazing now looking back how empowering it is to come out of that phase and to feel like you are a women who has experienced something very few have.

Many women experience infertility but I'm sure the numbers of infertile to fertile are very low, so just think, we are stronger because of these struggles, we are empowered and we now have this incredible experience that few have. (I try to look at the positive even when I feel so low sometimes)

• The next stage is Acceptance.  The moment I found out exactly what was wrong with me, I completely fell apart.  Like literally. I did not accept it right away.  All the other tests I had done were coming back fine, but this test was different. I had a panick attack (I think) in the xray room when I realized that the reason this test was painful was because my tubes must be blocked, if they weren't this fluid would flow right through them.  My body became extremely hot, my hands started to cramp and I was shaking all over.  It was devastating.  I went home and my husband held me in his arms because I had no strength left to even stand on my own two feet. Remembering this moment is still very emotional for me.  Perhaps I'm still struggling with Acceptance of this but I did accept it finally. At the time, I felt like I was not a real woman, I felt broken.  After some some prayers and blessings, I took a nice nap that day and woke up ready to face what was ahead.  It was a matter of a day for me in accepting this journey I was actually on.  I woke up feeling renewed and ready to win this battle. To Triumph over my foes!
• The next stage is just Patience and I think I'll throw in Education.  From here on out, you become educated on many different paths you can take, ones that may work, ones that won't at all, ones that you can afford and ones you can't at all.  You learn about your insurance and that MANY insurances don't cover infertility.  That breaks my heart for SO many, because if you don't have insurance, those places want ALL your money up front, like I'm talking $15,000 up front.  You learn if  you are even capable of conceiving a child or if it is not even possible.  Sometimes you figure out what they will try, to see if it will help you concieve, but they can't be sure it will work.  That's so hard.  For some the fix might be easy and black or white.  For others it might be a series of different treatments and medications and who knows what else to see if it works or not.  It is a difficult, painful and challenging process once you have entered that realm, but sometimes just getting answers is good enough.  It's somewhere further then you were a year ago when you first began trying (or 8 years ago or however long).  This might be an exciting time or a difficult time because it could be trying something new that you haven't tried yet, or it could be doing another round and it not working...again.  That disappointment and anger stage might come back, but hang on to the acceptance one.  Like one nurse told me, This is YOUR journey, YOUR path.  This is how you will try to become pregnant.  It's true, whatever path you enter, it is unique to you.  Other women can get pregnant for "free" like I say jokingly, but you know what, hang in there.  I firmly believe that if we are meant to have children, then we will have them.  Prayers will be answered and hearts will be healed.  I can't promise that those children will come from our very womb, but they will come to us in the way they are supposed to come.  Sometimes infertility means you will be able to get pregnant, just not the conventional way or sometimes it means you may not ever become pregnant and perhaps there are babies out there meant for you but who enter the world another way.  That was a hard thing for me to accept. I wanted so badly to have babies by my own body, to give birth to them and I still may get that chance, but I wanted to accept that if it didn't work for us that I would be okay with not carrying a child and being able to adopt a child of my own.  I was okay with it.  And I know that I will get to have lots of babies in Heaven too someday.
• Enjoy the journey.  That may be easier said then done, but I've done it and there are days that I don't enjoy it, but writing this renews my strength to keep moving forward with you (even if I just have one reader who is suffering, that is enough for me).  Learn from your experiences and know that they are truly for you good.  You are stronger for what you have endured.  Good luck and endure it well.

 ........ but for those who don't have to take this journey and are just reading this as one who didn't suffer infertility, please be sensitive to these wonderful couples who are silently suffering without children of their own.  Please, don't ask women when they are going to have children, please don't suggest ways that will help them get pregnant, please don't complain about being a mother in front of them and please don't mention if you got pregnant by accident and don't want to be pregnant.  That is my plea to people everywhere.  Those are the 4 hardest things for me to hear when my deepest desire is to have a baby more then anything else!  You may not know who these women are, but I'll clue you in....they are the women who are without children (granted, some women without children aren't trying or don't care for kids, but don't try to guess, just rule of thumb...woman without kids: might be suffering with infertility).  I was a woman not trying for a while, but then when I started trying, I quickly became that other woman. 

I write this for awareness and to help people know and understand about infertility and the reality of it.

Thank you for reading this very long post.  It is something I have wanted to share for some time.  I think if you have a friend who is willing to share this information with you, the best thing you can do for them is pray. Advice isn't always the best, but the prayers are felt.  If you think a friend is infertile and they just aren't saying anything, please don't try to pry it out of them, they are not ready to tell, let them come to you, but be there and be ready for when they are.  I'm still not sure I'm ready to tell everyone, but I'm doing it and for whatever reason I am, I feel good about it.
 I can honestly tell you that I have felt the prayers of so many people as we have struggled.  If anyone knows me, they know how badly I would love to be a mama and to have lots of babies.  I am thankfully past that stage of anger and I get so excited when I find out friends are having babies.  I'm so thankful for the family members who love me for me and don't suggest any ways for me to get pregnant.  Infertility is real, it isn't just in your head, I promise.  If my tubes being blocked is "in my head" then I have an anatomy way different then everyone else..with Fallopian Tubes in my head?!?!  haha.  Oh humor has helped me through it too.  Thank goodness!

Someday I promise, I will post when we are adding children to our family, but it's probably best not to ask when.   A woman who has suffered with infertility, I'm sure, is anxious to tell of a pregnancy but probably worried that her worst fears will be realized too...a pregnancy that doesn't progress.  That is because the time a woman suffers with infertility isn't just automatically healed by getting pregnant, it is just amplified because the body is already not normal, so does that mean the pregnancy won't go normal?  I don't know or have those answers, but I assure you I fear that in the future. 

I am so thankful for my husband, he is my rock!  He knows the very moment when I need him most and when I need alone time.  That is a gift I tell ya!  He feels my heartache and when my heart breaks, his does too.  I love him for that and thank him for enduring this journey with me.  Thankfully he'll be with me for eternity and to the very end. I'm thankful for my step-daughter, that is perhaps something that many infertile couples don't have.  I do have the gift of a child in my home and how grateful I am atleast for that chance to be a mother, even if it's just a mean old step-mother. :) Just kidding.  I love her and I am so grateful for her sweet spirit and her sensitivity to our situation.  She is a wonderful little 10 year old that is growing up too fast.
Of course I'd be a bad blogger if there wasn't a couple pictures!

My cutie step-daughter and beautiful mother:

And after every storm, there is always a rainbow!  So True!